Mungkir

Saban hari aku berjanji

Tak akan bertahan sampai sini

Tetapi kuingat tutur seorang Gemini

Bahwa kematian adalah sesuatu yang harus kita amini

Maka hidup adalah prolog yang harus kita segani

The Pain of Growth

As I dive headfirst into the depth

Skinny dipping with nothing

But a train of thoughts to defuse

Still between the absence of sounds

Your voice rings the loudest in my ears

Haunting yet ethereal

Weighs me further and further

Into the state of not letting go 

Lilo

Jasadnya sudah terkubur enam meter di bawah tanah di mana ia berpijak. Beberapa masih tersedu, beberapa memutuskan untuk membawa duka sebagai santap makan malam di rumah. Ia bergeming, sejujurnya tak tahu harus berbuat apa. Ini bukan kali pertama ia dituntut untuk menghadapi kematian dalam hidupnya. Namun, rasanya hampir tidak mungkin untuk jiwa dan raganya terbiasa dengan hal itu. Khususnya hari ini.

Hubungannya dengan adiknya tidak seindah lagu Il Mondo yang dilantunkan oleh Jimmy Fontana. Tetapi ia rasa tak semua lagu harus memiliki nada yang indah. Terkadang sesuatu yang terdengar unik, tanpa pendengarnya bisa menerka apa yang selanjutnya akan terjadi, menjadi sebuah lagu yang menarik untuk didengar berulang kali. Kematian adiknya membuatnya merasa tak bisa mendengar lagu itu lagi.

Semasa kecil, ia pernah berpikir bagaimana kita bisa yakin bahwa seseorang benar-benar tiada. Alat-alat di rumah sakit memang sudah begitu canggih. Pun tubuh kita bisa memberi sinyal jika nyawa tak lagi ada di dalamnya. Tetapi pikirannya selalu mengandai, bagaimana jika orang yang meninggal tidak benar-benar mati? Bahkan sisi medis pun mengakui keberadaan mati suri. 

Jika benar begitu, bisa saja ia terlambat untuk mengetahui itu. Mungkin juga adiknya sedang mengetuk-ngetuk peti matinya demi memberi tahu bahwa ia masih hidup dan tidak seharusnya berada di dalam sana. Mungkin selama ini ada orang yang dikubur hidup-hidup. Sehingga secara tidak sengaja, kita semua yang telah membunuh mereka, dan bukan takdir.

Pikiran-pikiran itu menyulut angannya menjadi kalut. Kemungkinan itu menggubahnya ingin meraih penggali dan membuka kembali peti mati yang sudah ditutup rapat-rapat. Tangannya ingin memeluk seorang sosok dengan jiwa yang masih melekat; sadar bahwa kali ini pikirnya telah membantarnya untuk menjadi seorang jagal. 

Tapi nyatanya kematian sudah datang semakin dekat, dan kali ini datang menceraikannya dan adiknya. Pikirannya yang liar hanya sebuah kesaksian bahwa ia tak ingin menanggung rasa bersalah di tiap langkahnya, dan ia masih ingin mendengar lagu itu sekali lagi.

Hidup Diliput Welas

Jangan sampai dinding kamarmu

Menghidu nama lain selain dirinya

Mereka lihai menyimpan rahasia

Tak punya tutur untuk bercakap

Namun mata dan telinganya

Tak pernah picing dan tumpul

Untuk merujammu sampai dalam

Namun pun bila mereka tak tangkas menangkap

Celoteh dan keluh hatimu begitu nyaring

Berdengung hingga telinga yang kuasa

Kalau sudah begitu

Sembah sujudmu bisa saja mudarat

Kibarkan saja bendera putih dalam pilu

Hingga getirmu mampu dilahap oleh ingat

i hope you will never see this pt. 2

my mind could not stop thinking on when and where our next encounter would be. after all this time, i still have the jittery feeling whenever we are seeing each other. my heart could not help but skipped a beat every time my gaze lays on you; sitting or standing waiting for me, without a single clue that i know your existence. beautiful is indeed an understatement.

some (even you) might think these words sounds very sappy. yet i have not figured more subtle ways to describe this infrequent connection between any other human beings. you give me a sense of feelings i have never experienced before. feelings i cannot even describe with words, but much understood when you get the privilege to feel it in real life. a sense like you finally get it; you finally understand most of any form of art and stories you have encountered in your life. i doubt that i could get it from anyone else but you. perhaps i should thank you for that. wherever this leads to, i am forever grateful that our paths crossed and ever since then, you have taught me to know myself even more, to listen to my needs and unsee my insecurities. thank you for believing in me and being patient with me. i hope we could grow together and see the best versions of each other along the way.

you might even think that i said all these words out of the blue. but these words have been sitting on the tip of my tongue for awhile now. letting it out, even only through a form of writing, could make it lasts even longer. maybe not forever, but enough to be cherished and remembered.

i hope you will never see this, but if you do, thank you.

i hope you will never see this pt. 1

i never get why vulnerability is and always be your worst enemy. You despise it when people see you weep. You would blame the alcohol or quickly wipe out your tears before anyone sees. sometimes i wonder, as someone who cries my heart out, what does it feel like to be able to bottled up everything all at once. that was the moment i knew how fragile you are. you are fragile person with a smile like the crescent of the moon, yet you always deny it. maybe it is time for you to cut open your spleens and let everything inside it pour. the world we are living is no mortal. you said we only live and die once, so why not dive headfirst into your tears and let yourself submerged in those feelings you keep hiding behind the cold bars inside your mind?

feelings are not as easy to comprehend as the theories you read on books. it looks like an infinite spectrum of colors. even our mundane eyes fail to see some particular colors. but it would not be that eerie and foreign if you try to acknowledge it and be friends with them. even if you do not acknowledge them, they will still manage to slip behind your anger or your behaviours. it is complex, but taking baby steps is better than being quiescent and pretend that everything is okay. nothing is okay, and i know you are aware of that.

writing these down slightly makes me feel like i am talking to you. maybe i should gather some guts to say it out loud right when your eyes meet mine and you can hear me crystal clear. you see, i myself have my own struggles with facing my own truths and being vulnerable in front of someone who has the power to weakens me. but fear will always be there unless you accept them and face them like we should.

i hope you will never see this. but if you do, please pretend that you never did.

The Dirt on Your Shoes

My apologies have fallen on deaf ears
It was all but meaningless
As if words are no longer a way
For us to depend on each other anymore

No longer ‘us’, no longer ‘we’
Your silhouette turned dim and frigid
Who am I, who are you
Two beings with hazy past we wish could burn

Though you were not a means to a necessary ends
Nor a melody for intrusive thoughts
Presuming that I am to you
Is a certainty and not a figment of my imagination

23

Dua puluh dua tahun usiaku berjalan, dan sejujurnya aku sangat berharap usiaku tak pernah menyentuh dua putuh tiga. Bukan karena aku takut bertambah tua, atau takut wajahku dipenuhi kerutan, atau ngeri tubuhku digerogoti oleh penyakit yang tak tahu dari mana datangnya (mungkin dari kebiasaanku mengisap rokok, atau mungkin bukan). Aku hanya jenuh mencari jalan untuk memaklumi dunia. Entah cara bekerjanya, atau entitas yang hidup di dalamnya. Kurasa memang tak seharusnya dimaklumi. Namun entah bagaimana orang-orang mampu memilih untuk melakukan hal itu.

Sesungguhnya aku tak ingin menua dengan tubuh yang dipenuhi oleh rasa sabar dan hati yang mampu memaklumi sepenuhnya. Semua tidak baik-baik saja. Mengapa semua orang dapat tidak mengacuhkan hal itu?

Celotehku terdengar seperti anak kecil yang naif. Seperti tidak tahu bagaimana caranya menjadi dewasa dan tumbuh tua hingga ajal menjemput, dan bukan sebaliknya. Mungkin memang aku tidak tahu; atau sejujurnya, aku memang tidak ingin tahu. Nampaknya lebih mudah jika begitu, dan menerima bahwa usiaku telah menginjak dua puluh tiga.

Feeble pt. 3

I never imagined myself dying in a graceful way, even when I was little. Dying is painful, sad, yet blissful at the same time. It is an act of bravery, I presume. Knowing that you have the full capability to write your own endings, well, if free will is not just a figment of our imagination. If not, perhaps for once God could understand my prayers and just let it be.

I guess I delivered my ‘sorry’ and ‘thank you’ already; changing its meaning to a simple goodbye. I wish I could tell them not to weep out of their selfishness. But frankly I would understand if they do, because I might as well do the same. I hope they could understand my ending. It is hard to keep a positive thoughts when your eyes can only see things in negative. No one should took the blame. I am the culprit after all.

I could no longer feel myself anymore. The song that is playing from the speaker rings too loud I could no longer able to sing along with it. The back of my mind wonders what comes after it. Yet the dark pit of my heart relieved that I would not have to worry about it anymore.

Feeble pt. 2

It feels disappointing to know that this saggy and lumpy bed will be my deathbed in no time. I never imagined it would be this way; a cramped room I rented as a place I choose to die. The last memory that I carry to the afterlife (if it really does exist), is the picturesque small loving room. I polished it, turned it into a loving grace. I even put plants on every corner of it. I never really thought I would be a plant person the way my mother used to be.

Come to think of it, I would not mind to die here. It is my safe place after all. These walls have seen my worst moments, my greatest sins, even my gleeful days. Sometimes it sees me devoting my heart to the Almighty too. If it could, it would laugh, obviously. It is not like I do not believe in It. I just constantly questioning whether It is really there or not. But human hearts, when they are desperate to cry for help, uncertainty is the best answer for them. For life itself is never certain above all.

I should not have thoughts about these right now. These little things might make it even harder to leave. I sure do grow fond of this space. But not enough to stop me from leaving. Come to think of it, nothing and no one is never enough.

Feeble

Everything is going ashtray but everyone has an ego as high as the skyscrapers to care to take the bullet. I should have understand that whatever spit out from their mouths are just some cliché balonies. Besides, what can you get from hanging on words and words only for your dear life?

I should have feel unease of the red stains on my clothes, my body, and the floor. But all I could sense is nothing but ecstasy. My eyes started to see the things that I should not; as if it could not distinguish between what is real and what is not anymore. Maybe it could not. Maybe I could not too.

So, what else can I do to put things back to enthralling arrays? What else can I do to cease my mind to think about fleeing? What else can I do when I quickly discern this cramped place as a good place to succumb?

Samar

Rautmu mengemas satu atau dua derita

Mungkin bimbang akan amarah yang meruah

Atau kama yang hadir tanpa disangka

Tanganmu membalut segelas sentosa

Pandangmu bergamam tapi sungguh,

Kau tak perlu bertanya

Jawabku sudah terlihat begitu jernih

Tangan dan mulut kami tercela

Hingga lupa apa itu nestapa

Kakimu bergetar seperti gugup

Melawan detakku yang mulai berdegup

Padahal cakrawala sudah tak lagi redup

Namun raga masih belum mengucap cukup

and if you're 40, please act like one

Hatred and distress collided into one

As you witnessed the conundrum on the mirror

Is not the faultless soul they expect you to be

Broke the glass as if it costs nothing

Left you with fractions

That will drag you straight to 7 years of hell;

The one with a partner accompanied with childhood trauma

He might be a Gemini or just an utter asshole

The one with the lethal disease

More poisonous than noticing two psychopaths coexist

Gravity didn't even notice you

As you chose to go to heaven

When what you really need is a therapy

Coward, as you always be