i hope you will never see this pt. 2

my mind could not stop thinking on when and where our next encounter would be. after all this time, i still have the jittery feeling whenever we are seeing each other. my heart could not help but skipped a beat every time my gaze lays on you; sitting or standing waiting for me, without a single clue that i know your existence. beautiful is indeed an understatement.

some (even you) might think these words sounds very sappy. yet i have not figured more subtle ways to describe this infrequent connection between any other human beings. you give me a sense of feelings i have never experienced before. feelings i cannot even describe with words, but much understood when you get the privilege to feel it in real life. a sense like you finally get it; you finally understand most of any form of art and stories you have encountered in your life. i doubt that i could get it from anyone else but you. perhaps i should thank you for that. wherever this leads to, i am forever grateful that our paths crossed and ever since then, you have taught me to know myself even more, to listen to my needs and unsee my insecurities. thank you for believing in me and being patient with me. i hope we could grow together and see the best versions of each other along the way.

you might even think that i said all these words out of the blue. but these words have been sitting on the tip of my tongue for awhile now. letting it out, even only through a form of writing, could make it lasts even longer. maybe not forever, but enough to be cherished and remembered.

i hope you will never see this, but if you do, thank you.

i hope you will never see this pt. 1

i never get why vulnerability is and always be your worst enemy. You despise it when people see you weep. You would blame the alcohol or quickly wipe out your tears before anyone sees. sometimes i wonder, as someone who cries my heart out, what does it feel like to be able to bottled up everything all at once. that was the moment i knew how fragile you are. you are fragile person with a smile like the crescent of the moon, yet you always deny it. maybe it is time for you to cut open your spleens and let everything inside it pour. the world we are living is no mortal. you said we only live and die once, so why not dive headfirst into your tears and let yourself submerged in those feelings you keep hiding behind the cold bars inside your mind?

feelings are not as easy to comprehend as the theories you read on books. it looks like an infinite spectrum of colors. even our mundane eyes fail to see some particular colors. but it would not be that eerie and foreign if you try to acknowledge it and be friends with them. even if you do not acknowledge them, they will still manage to slip behind your anger or your behaviours. it is complex, but taking baby steps is better than being quiescent and pretend that everything is okay. nothing is okay, and i know you are aware of that.

writing these down slightly makes me feel like i am talking to you. maybe i should gather some guts to say it out loud right when your eyes meet mine and you can hear me crystal clear. you see, i myself have my own struggles with facing my own truths and being vulnerable in front of someone who has the power to weakens me. but fear will always be there unless you accept them and face them like we should.

i hope you will never see this. but if you do, please pretend that you never did.

The Dirt on Your Shoes

My apologies have fallen on deaf ears
It was all but meaningless
As if words are no longer a way
For us to depend on each other anymore

No longer ‘us’, no longer ‘we’
Your silhouette turned dim and frigid
Who am I, who are you
Two beings with hazy past we wish could burn

Though you were not a means to a necessary ends
Nor a melody for intrusive thoughts
Presuming that I am to you
Is a certainty and not a figment of my imagination

23

Dua puluh dua tahun usiaku berjalan, dan sejujurnya aku sangat berharap usiaku tak pernah menyentuh dua putuh tiga. Bukan karena aku takut bertambah tua, atau takut wajahku dipenuhi kerutan, atau ngeri tubuhku digerogoti oleh penyakit yang tak tahu dari mana datangnya (mungkin dari kebiasaanku mengisap rokok, atau mungkin bukan). Aku hanya jenuh mencari jalan untuk memaklumi dunia. Entah cara bekerjanya, atau entitas yang hidup di dalamnya. Kurasa memang tak seharusnya dimaklumi. Namun entah bagaimana orang-orang mampu memilih untuk melakukan hal itu.

Sesungguhnya aku tak ingin menua dengan tubuh yang dipenuhi oleh rasa sabar dan hati yang mampu memaklumi sepenuhnya. Semua tidak baik-baik saja. Mengapa semua orang dapat tidak mengacuhkan hal itu?

Celotehku terdengar seperti anak kecil yang naif. Seperti tidak tahu bagaimana caranya menjadi dewasa dan tumbuh tua hingga ajal menjemput, dan bukan sebaliknya. Mungkin memang aku tidak tahu; atau sejujurnya, aku memang tidak ingin tahu. Nampaknya lebih mudah jika begitu, dan menerima bahwa usiaku telah menginjak dua puluh tiga.