Alam Bawah Sadar

Sekali dua kali alam baka disinggung. Entah disengaja atau tidak. Entah memang ingin untuk diantar oleh para pecinta atau tidak. Sebuah rasa yang tak kunjung terbenam. Rasa sesak yang diingini untuk berhenti.

Berhenti berpindah,

Berhenti menjadi satu,

Berhenti mencoba.

Keinginan untuk tak hanya singgah melepas penat. Keinginan sederhana untuk pulang.

Kata maaf dan selamat tinggal adalah ucapan yang tak asing dikecap lidah. Terlalu sering, hingga rasanya pilu dan ditelan dalam kalbu. Maknanya telah luruh.

Hirup aroma baju yang serupa lemari usang milik pendahulu. Hirup aroma masakan rumah yang membuat yang kosong berseru. Apa itu rumah? Tak familiar di benak tentang  bagaimana koper-koper di gudang dijinjing pergi ke tempat yang asing untuk sesaat. Bahkan koper-koper itu punya rumah. Tempat berpulang pada kasur yang empuknya tak berubah.

Lalu kematian datang dengan ide tentang berpulang. Tentang rumah yang tak pernah pindah. Dan orang-orang yang bertahan sampai fajar datang guna menjadi penanda untuk bertadah. Bahkan tak ada waktu, tak perlu juga mengkhawatirkan ruang. Hanya kau, dan rasa di rumah milik sendiri.

a letter to mum.

it's sad that i need to encounter some shitty love problems to be reminded that i miss your presence. today i found that i have completely forgot the sound of your voice and how you smell after you took a bath before we go to bed. the only thing that i remember is the image of you wearing a black night gown, with your damp short hair and your glasses off. i'm not even sure if that's a real memory. regardless, i still wish i could see that image every night before i go to sleep. but shit like cancer somehow existed in this world that we live in and instead of taking me away, it decided to take your life instead. i hope you know how hard it is to know that the word "mum" will never be able to slip out of my tongue ever again. at least not in the same way anymore.

people said i'll get used to the pain. but some nights, especially tonight, i can't help but making a scenario about me dwelling about my not-so-difficult problems to you. knowing that wise and patient have always been your best features, i'm sure you would be able to give me some great advises and would encourage me to stay strong because in the end, i'll get through this. 

lately, i've been feeling like i'm hard to love. i gave love so many chances. too many. even slightly torn my own heart in the middle of the road. but it always ended up the same; me loving the wrong person, too soon; too much. so much feelings are wasted i wish i could just give it all to you. yet you're not here anymore and i'm afraid these feelings are going to be wasted until the day that i lay next to you come. 

what if i die? does life after death really do exist? will death wash away the pain from the unrequited love? if it won't, will we see each other again so i could get through the pain with you?

i want to seek all the answers with you. i want to come up with new questions with you. but you're gone and the memories of you are starting to fade away too. 

mum, i miss you. i don't know how letters work for the dead. nonetheless, i hope you could read this one out because i need you right now. i need someone who could convinced me that i am not hard to love and even if i do, i still deserve to be loved. so i could be the lucky one, not the heartbroken, not the getaway, not the one who feels too much. but alas, i really do believe the only person that could do it is you. 

Lagi

Langit dirudung asa
Tanpa hadirmu yang memberi rasa

"Aku disini," ucapmu
"Di bawah langit biru yang agak kelabu."

Tapi nyatanya kau semu
Hanya ada di dalam kalbu
Hati hanya ingin kau kembali
Kembali ke tempat kita bermimpi

Jangan pergi lagi
Agar wajah tak dihujani lagi
Agar kita dapat berbagi sepi
Agar raga tak sendiri lagi