it's ok, you're ok (2018)

Why does writing in my own language burden me? Is it because it reminds me of who I am? Is it because the words in that foreign language don’t carry the emotional connection that I’ve attached to them in my mother tongue? Or is it because I’m ashamed of taking accountability for all my feelings? Maybe it’s all of the above.

I noticed I need to stop engaging in many acts of self-harm. But will words help me cope? I started talking to myself, knowing that I hate the feeling of being a burden to other people. Do they get tired of my rambling? Do they want to shove their fists down my throat to silence me? Though it’s not their fault at all, I hope they won’t shut my mouth for it.

I read somewhere that healing is a constant process that works differently for everyone. At one point, you have to crash and experience the emotions, babbling about it until you aware how stupid it is and how weary you are of talking about it. You also have to remember that you are not responsible for other people’s actions and what they did to you. Yes, it isn’t right. But trying to reason through every single thing they did will genuinely drive you to madness. I don’t know. At this point, writing it down might be my way of convincing myself as well.

I don’t know if I’m okay or if I’ll ever heal from this mental grief. 9,496 days is not a short time. Yet it’s not enough time for me to heal. I just want everything to leave my mind for a while. Will it help? Frankly, I don’t know. Would I trade all the blessings I have right now to make it happen? Without any doubt.

someday we'll be together again (2017)

Aku ingin menyembah lima kali dalam sehari
Sembari merapal tiga puluh tiga kali
Menghapal ayat yang asing bahasanya
hingga lancar di luar kepala

Memaafkan yang bersalah
Memberi yang menengadah
Persetan jika dibilang kaku
Berpura-pura adalah kelihaianku
dan akan kuperbuat hingga jadi paling mampu

Agar dianggapNya aku beragama
Dan diberi satu petak di nirwana
Karena aku mulai lupa suaranya
Dan bau tubuhnya setelah pulang kerja

Dan mungkin ia telah menunggu
Dan imanku lengah, bahkan hampir sirna
Dan ia mungkin kecewa, atau mungkin sudah lupa
Tetapi aku masih acuh, bahkan selalu ingin berjumpa

Forgive me for I have sin, and I will forgive You for the sorrow

And there, between the silence, I found God
I feared He might condemn me
For all the blood, sweat, and tears
But with a gentle breath, He whispered, "Hush, my child,  
The roads ahead are crooked and it gets wilder
Do not deceive yourself
For thinking it is another fever dream
It is indeed uncanny
Hell on earth, even
And you will get there
You will get there
Where bliss awaits, infinite and bright
A sigh after centuries of striving
Where your shoulders will rest, and your mind find ease
You will get there"

Revoke; Repeat

But the blood would be too much to scour
But the body is to morbid to be formed
But the others would grief
But it would be too much to grasp

But I lucidly could not care any less