Semesta yang bukan semestaku
Lebih memilih diam layaknya buta aksara
Seperti sunyi adalah bahasanya
Yang aku tak mampu terima
Semesta yang bukan semestaku
Begitu jauh meski tak asing
Seperti menelan sesuatu untuk pertama kali
Untuk merasakan rasa yang tak lazim lagi
Semesta yang bukan semestaku
Selalu mencari kaki untuk mengisi diri
Dan tanganku selalu mengangkat tinggi
Menawarkan raga dengan senang hati
Namun lagi-lagi, ia bukan semestaku
I know it is not a typical writing that I wrote. I rarely visit here anymore. But somehow, at 1:55 in the morning, my mind chose to ignore anything comfortable and carry me to my deep slumber, and think about pouring whatever is in it through an old friend (in this case, definitely not in a form of flesh and bones).
I would not carry on with sweet and poetic words. Rather than that, I would just write anything that is on my mind. Not sure it will be worth reading, and not sure it would make a perfect sense, but sure it would ease my mind, even just a bit.
Few weeks ago, Mitski just released her new album. Featuring one of the best heavy rotation that is “My Love Mine All Mine”. I just finished watching two seasons of “Fleabag”, and it left an immense black hole inside of me. I was sort of drowning in these mixed feelings I am not sure of, but “My Love Mine All Mine” seems to be a cherry on top after a heavy ending. I have been thinking eminently about love, especially on how it can make you feel on top of the world and the deepest trench where no lights could get through it.
Those thoughts and feelings led me to one particular moment. I was once asked why I have not had any partner by a man who grew fond of me (and sadly the feeling is not mutual, forgive me for that). To that question I answered because I do not believe in love. Even if it does exist, I do not think that seeking love out of someone to cure the lack of love in your soul would be fair for the other party. His answer really provoked me (and might be one of the triggers why this writing exists, I should salute him for that).
“I did not seek love because I lack it. I have too much of love inside me and I want someone to share the warmth with me”
At that moment I thought that he was hilarious. But years after it, I realized he was. . . right? I frankly do not know what better words to describe it.
Some people might already have made a better impression towards the song, or how Mitski was right (and a genius, obviously). But I just have a realization how the man was right; how Fleabag was finally move on with her life and tackling her grief head-on without artificial love; how Mitski was right about the only thing that we own in this mundane world is our love; how I have been devastated for days–weeks even–not because how the person maim me, but because I have so much love that are wasted.
I would not say that I have any regrets in love. I once loved a person who is now building his happy-ever-after with another lucky being. I once loved a person who turned out to just see me as sort of her sweet escape. The list goes on, you might get bored keeping up with it. But again, I have no single regrets in between.
I understand that some think Mitski’s song and Fleabag might not have anything in common. But I see both of them as something that implicitly wants to share about self-love and awareness, which I obviously lack in any way. I am not trying to be a Ms. Smarty-Pants by writing an extended reason why it does, since I am aware I am not an expert at literature or any music or film studies. Yet regardless, it makes me full, content, and somehow, patch up some of the holes inside me, which lead me into thinking about love. I acknowledge the importance of self-love (though I barely have it inside me).
All these long thoughts, writings, reflections, and all that follows made me notice that I do believe in love. Not because someone gave me an ample of it, not because I have seen it with my own eyes, but by the way I love. And my deepest hope is that one day, whether it be soon or later, I will love myself the way I can love others.
Untuk melihatnya bergurau
dan menangis
dan memungut air matanya
Untuk mengulang segalanya kembali
Untuk semua yang sudah
dan seharusnya terjadi
demi mencari arti di balik terang dan gulita
Aku hanya ingin
Jumat datang lebih cepat lagi
