I knew in one point, I have to
cope with the death, again. I will no longer sitting next to her in the
hospital at midnight, witnessing her with my blurred eyes. I will no longer
surrounded by the medical equipments and the beeping sound and being petrified
if the screen shows the straight line. I could visualize my father crying for
his death mother at the funeral.
Perhaps that explains why I never
said ‘Get Well Soon’ at the first place. I knew it would be the biggest lie for
this kind of situation. Wishing her to get better soon is an irony. She is
dying. Everyone will eventually die. And we all here just waiting for the end
to come. Hearts beaten fast. Sweats soaked up the faces. Fear haunted the
souls.
At midnight, I always scrutinized
my phone. To make sure that there was no text that came to my phone to inform
me that she is gone. The message was never shown up. Yet the news was spreading
as quick as the sadness filled my heart. She was gone.
I never liked the flowers. It
reminds me of death. Funny how such beautiful things bounded with the death.
Flowers rimmed me everywhere I went. Sadness were levitating around the
atmosphere that morning. Between the tears I saw faces I rarely see. Cousins, elders,
friends, neighbours, they were all here. Probably this is the reason why she
left us alone.
No, we are not alone. We have
each other. She united us with her death. The death found its way to show its
beautiful side. Was this the reason why I saw her smiling in her eternal sleep?
Because she realized her vocation was complete, and she is now enjoying her prize
for the triumph. In heaven.
And I found myself sinked in my
own confusion. I still could hear her voice recited in my ears. I still could
feel her appearance amongst us. But as the sobs were getting louder, I realized
it was just my imagination. Reality slapped me one more time. She is gone. Left
me with regrets and sadness.
But why her? Why now? But then
again, I asked myself again. Why not now? She said she couldn’t endure the pain
anymore. She was tortured by the disease. And she wanted to go. But she made
herself numb, and wait for another moment. Until all of her loved ones came and
see her. But now she saw them all. She kept them in her head. And she was
taking away the memories of the faces of the one that she loves. And we are
here. Reciting endless prayers for her. To finally let her go. Goodbye.
